Breakups are tough on everyone.  Whether you are 14 and just had your heart broken over a text, or you’re 34 and just had your spouse walk out on you or you’re 44 and walking your son through a difficult split, they are always tough.

After 25 years of ministry and countless conversations with college students, separated couples and a few breakups of my own, here are a few things I’ve noticed:

Length of time you’ve dated divided by two = Time you’ll grieve

If you think you can date for two years, break up, change your status to available and get back in the game in a week, you’re being more than optimistic, you’re being naive. I’m not saying you shouldn’t date for a year, I’m just saying that you’ll still be impacted by the previous relationship for at least half the time you dated.  This is why Solomon says, “Guard your heart, it is the well spring of life.” (Prov. 4:23)

Sex will make things more complicated.

I know I sound like a grumpy old man, but sex is designed to be a union of souls.  That’s why it works best in a lifetime of commitment – aka marriage – because if the union of souls happen with many, it leaves a mark on your soul.  It’s interesting that the Apostle Paul says, “Sexual immorality is the one sin against your own body.” (1 Cor. 6:18)  In other words, this will have a lasting impact.  This is why if you are getting a divorce it will be more painful due to the unwinding of the union of your souls.

You can’t go back to the way it was before.

It’s almost cliche now to hear, “We’re still best friends, we’re just not together anymore.”  The problem is that though this can eventually be achieved, it won’t happen right away.  The progression with intimacy in relationships is as follows:

Not aware of each other -> Acquaintances -> Friends -> Romantically Involved

People who think they can go from being romantically involved back to being just friends turn into either enemies, because they each have different definitions of this new friendship, or they turn into “friends with benefits” which only complicates things more and will usually also turn into enemies.  At best, you can go back to acquaintances. Then maybe, eventually, friends. And yes, this is tough.

My advice is to let this pain drive you to Jesus.  The one who has been betrayed, denied and rejected found a way to offer love and forgiveness.  You have no idea how long the pain will last but you do know he will walk with you.  Use your time of singleness to reprioritize who he wants you to be for the next person.  Spend time becoming the kind of person you are looking for, one who is loving, joyful, patient, kind, has self-control and is faithful.  If these are the qualities you expect from someone else, let Jesus teach you to have these qualities now. Become the kind of person you are looking for, and then let him lead you to that person, in his time.